Bend and Not Break
by Clez
Summary: We all deal with certain things in our own way, but sometimes, certain incidents make us all realise just how fragile we really can be, no matter who we are.


**Author's Note:** This was written after seeing **_'The Providers'_** – the episode with the girl with kidney failure, and her father shoots himself so he can donate his second kidney to her. This is inner perspective, from Ray, because… I just wondered how he would deal…

* * *

**BEND AND NOT BREAK**

I've seen people hurt before. I've seen _lots_ of injuries, and I like to think I've seen quite an 'interesting' variety which people like Carter and Kovac and Lewis see as 'educational', when in reality, they're another case, and another fading memory that somehow stays with you for weeks… especially certain ones. It's the look in certain peoples' eyes; the frown when you tell them that bad news – their cancer is spreading, or they have kidney failure… things like that. They stay with you. Cases like that… they don't leave you, no matter how hard you try to get rid of them. You try and you try, but they burn into your memory like a flame; no matter how much you go at it, it won't leave.

I can live with that… it hurts, but I can live with it. I can pretend it doesn't effect me; enough to get by and survive another day.

No one ever said medicine was going to be easy, I know. My mom always let me know that when I told her what I was gonna do with my life. She never let me forget how hard it would be for me, actually. _That_ hurt too, but that's a different kind of pain. That's a sense of failure… not a sense of sympathy or compassion. When people get down on you and you realise how hard things are for you when they shouldn't be… that's when it really _stings_.

But I have to live with that. I'm a doctor… I _have_ to get through every day with all kinds of weight and pain on my shoulders… because it's my job. There's no back door; no easy way out. Well… there's quitting, but I never was much of a quitter; at least when I hit a certain age and realised how well I could stick up for myself.

Mostly be acting like a jerk, true, but it works… in most cases.

There was no way I could act like a jerk today… that man… what he did…

… And how he did it for his daughter…

Man, I never thought I would see something like _that_, y'know? Things like that; you see them on TV, and you don't comprehend it could ever happen to _you_. Never does it cross your mind that a traumatised father can pull a gun and… _do_ that. I certainly didn't.

And look where it got me.

I'm standing here in the cold, looking like I'm lost in the crowd, when I should be walking home.

But I don't wanna go home. My shift is over and I don't want to go home; to that apartment… I don't know; something about the idea isn't appealing right now.

Seeing _that_…

God, did that really happen?

I know I should be thankful that that little girl can have her kidney transplant; that Carter and I weren't hurt, or the family's doctor. It could have gone so much worse; he could have shot someone… someone _else_. But I can't be thankful for that. I can't be thankful that some poor guy shot himself because he saw no other way to save his daughter; the one person who seemed to be his reason for living. He loved her so much, and look what he did. The ultimate sacrifice for his child. He'll never wake up; he'll never watch TV with his daughter again; he'll never kiss his wife; he'll never read the paper… there's so many things he gave up to give her a kidney that might not save her life in the long run. Sure, it might give her a few more years, but…

It should be easy for me to understand, but, you know what? I don't. I guess that's because I don't have a child, or a wife, or a brother or a sister; I don't have anyone like that who would need that ultimate sacrifice from me, so I don't understand how it could happen; how I could go through with it. I don't think I ever _could_, if handed the option. If I looked down in my hands, and saw that gun, and thought about it, I don't think I could pull the trigger… could I?

But maybe it's all different when it comes to being on the other side of the line. I've seen protective, sacrificing parents before. I've seen mothers and fathers giving it their all; fighting for their children… the ones they live for. This guy… he took it to a whole new level.

And I still can't believe it…

All I could think about when he was standing there, traumatised and grief-stricken, was that damn gun in his hand, as he pointed it around, and waved it; how easy it could go off and kill a bystander, or Carter… or me. I never, for a moment, thought that he would turn it on himself… least of all pull the trigger.

Seeing _that_… it gives you a new perspective. The frailty and emotion… you see it in a whole new light; almost through someone else's eyes.

It was amazing he survived the shot… it should have killed him. I don't suppose his daughter will take it well, when she finally finds out where the kidney came from, and how. I mean, I knew as soon as that gun went off that he wouldn't make it, but working on him in trauma… I don't know; everything was different. _I_ was different. I didn't want to try anything new and 'cool' that I hadn't done before; I just let everyone do their part, and shut up while I did my own.

It shocked me… as it would anyone, I guess.

I just know I never want to see something like that again. Not if I can help it. But I know it's not in my hands… it's not up to me what happens and when and why… and how. It's not up to me at all how different people deal with grief and pain. I just have to deal, as I always have. I've always found a way…

I guess I'll just have to find a way again… somehow.

**_Fin_**


End file.
